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Why Relationships Become Boring and How to Spice Them Up!


There are times when any relationship can lose its excitement and become boring. In the Psychology of Vision model that I use in my work, we recognise the stage of a relationship, aptly called the Dead Zone. I this stage (which can appear repeatedly in a relationship) all the energy and life seems to have disappeared and we might wonder if we are with our true partner. The good news is that the energy and excitement can be re-kindled, once we have identified what is creating the deadness. If you once had that excitement in the relationship it can always be recovered.

We slip into the Dead Zone when we are avoiding our emotions – when we have switched them off in the belief that they will hurt us or get us into trouble. In a relationship it is part of what Dr. Chuck Spezzano, founder of the Psychology of Vision, has termed Independence. When we are independent we have disconnected in our relationships and dissociated from our emotions in the belief that we can be happy and successful without relying on other people. In a romantic relationship this happens when there is something so horrible in our minds that we hide it away so nobody can see it.

The only problem is that these hidden feelings are still very much present in our subconscious mind and will create all sorts of problems for us. If you are in a relationship that seems dead and boring ask yourself what is it that is not being expressed in the relationship? What is it that you and your partner are afraid to talk about? There will be some secret, fear or piece of guilt that is shutting you both down.

Relationships can easily turn into inadvertent conspiracies where both partners unconsciously agree to avoid dealing with the problems that stand between them. This is often because either partner feels that to reveal their concerns, resentments or pain, will drive away their partner. There are some things we have not even shared with the people closest to us and it is these things that eventually create deadness in a relationship.

Eventually the emotional deadness will reach the bedroom and the quality of sex will deteriorate. At deep levels in our minds are layers of guilt about all sorts of things and sexual guilt is very common. Again any avoidance of communicating and being honest about these things will lead to deadness and even revulsion.

The way through any deadness or boredom you feel in life is to take a risk, which means taking the next step in your life and relationship. It means finding the courage (courage derives from the French word Coeur – of the heart) to open your heart and tell your partner what you are feeling as well as thinking. If you do this sensitively and own your feelings (never try to make them responsible for your boredom or pain) you will discover that they share similar fears and worries. Once the level of emotional honesty has been raised, you will both start re-joining and the boredom will be replaced by inspiration, creativity and excitement. You are designed to be full of life and energy and once it starts flowing again the process is self-reinforcing. As soon as a fear or concern is expressed openly from the heart, it begins to dissolve and automatically moves a relationship into bonding.

If you ever find yourself in the Dead Zone, it is simply an indicator that you are ready to take the next step in life – the deadness is coming from your resistance to taking this step. So, start wrenching that big heart of yours open and welcome the next step in your relationship. Oh, by the way… this process usually results in a new honeymoon… what a reward!

peter granger is an acclaimed relationship counsellor and life coach. he runs relationship and self-development workshops in the uk . he has an e-book called ‘a model for love’ – the secrets of successful relationships for more info. and relationship advice go to www.iloveyouloveme.com

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Listed: September 21, 2008 4:08 am