“Here’s your monthly allowance, dear. It’s yours to spend as you wish.”… “By the way, please write a check to cover…” “And while you’re at it, I’d like to review your checkbook to see how you are spending the rest.” Sound familiar?

“Financial abuse” is the customary name for this form of spousal emotional abuse. It’s one of the popular power and control tactics used to foster dependency and dominance in intimate relationships. Essentially, it violates one’s personal autonomy and emotional integrity.

Controlling Men and Money

Why do controlling men use money to control their financially un-empowered female partners? ANSWER: Because they can. No, seriously, they think they need their spouse’s financial dependence upon them. It adds to their sense of relationship security.

From their perspective, it’s their money anyway. And they know you need some, want some and have no other means to attract any. So they enjoy the privilege of holding this green carrot in front of you in order to keep you in line.

You, on the other hand, enjoy “your” privilege of having his/our money to spend, as you need it. And you love that there is always enough, or so it seems. That is, there are sufficient funds available to cover your interests and desires…unless you have one that he objects to.

Money and Freedom in Controlling Relationships

Is your access to money controlled by another person your freedom or your entrapment? I know if you are in this situation that you have asked yourself this question thousands of times.

And chances are you have used this “family” money to retaliate in the relationship, as well. I was there, too, nearly two decades ago. I can remember the $350 shoes purchased to ease the blow of his last blowup. How ridiculous of me. It wasn’t really easing my emotional pain; it was grabbing back some control.

Your use of this money sometimes looks like your freedom and other times feels like your entrapment. It’s both exhilarating and frustrating, depending on where you are in the cycle of financial abuse.

Breaking the Cycle of Financial Control

Can intimate relationships characterized by financial abuse become relationships of mutual honoring and respect when it comes to money? ANSWER: Yes, with the right treatment intervention.

Counseling that addresses the “control” issue is the only intervention that can shift this dynamic. Now you know abuse is about control, but your partner insists that he is not abusive to you. In fact, he is insulted that you would even look to domestic abuse counseling to deal with your relationship problems.

This is not a deal-breaker. Trust that your partner can see the relevance of a domestic abuse intervention as a result of the treatment. That is, in the course of the intervention, the abuse/control dynamics you are dealing with can become crystal clear to both of you. (Even better…the door will open to see and remedy the multitude of other power and control strategies used in your relationship.) Leave that part up to the intervention itself and instead focus on how you can help your partner to see your need for personal counseling.

Whether you tell him or not, is not as important as the fact that you take the step toward breaking the cycle of control by reaching out yourself. He can believe you are reaching out to help yourself with your own pain. And the therapist can help you engage him in the domestic abuse intervention, as it’s appropriate.

For information about domestic abuse counseling and spousal emotional abuse, visit http://www.domesticabusecounseling.org and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. is a seasoned psychologist and consulting expert on family violence intervention.

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