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Should You Be Threatened by His Female Best Friend?


Things are going great. He’s buying you flowers and watching movies with you, all snuggled up under a blanket while you feed each other popcorn. You’re in love, in love, and tweety birds are singing and dinner dates are fantastic and time spent in the sack is infinitely excellent while it lasts. He’s great, he’s handsome, he’s fun and witty and sensitive and everything. But he’s also got a close friend from high school/college/work who’s stunning and seems to get him in a way you don’t, and you just can’t become comfortable with their friendship. Is it something more? Should you worry? Are you being a freakazoid, or should you be firm and cut it off before something bad happens?

Actually, this all comes down to a simple concept. The person with whom he has the most chemistry is the person whom he’ll think the most about. That person could be considered his ‘primary’ focus of attention, and that’s whom he’s the most excited to receive phone calls from, whom he thinks about when he’s daydreaming, whom he’s the most invested in having his friends like or be impressed by the most. Not that he can’t feel that way about more than one person, but there’s usually only one primary, and that’s where his energy is going.

Now, if he’s in a relationship with you, then it stands to reason that you should be his primary. Anybody else, no matter how old the friendship should be of less intensity, should have less chemistry. Not that you should be seeking to compete with his old college buddies, but rather, understand that when it comes to chemistry and that kind of intense focus, you should be first. If he has a female friend who is attractive, funny and gets along great with him, then you simply need to pay attention to whom he is prioritizing—you or her.

And the way to do that is to see whether he dishes dirt on her with you. Does he worry about making her look good? Does he leap to her defense all the time? Does he take her phone call all the time, regardless of what you guys are doing? Or even worse, does he not talk about her at all, seem uncomfortable when you bring her up, and hesitate to talk on the phone in front of you? It’s a question of intention, of priorities. Does he seem more excited to hang out with her than to go on a date with you? Does he lose track of time when he’s with her, and forget to call you, or come home really late?

The big test is whether he’s happy hanging out with the two of you together. After all, if she’s ‘just a friend’, then what’s to worry about? You should be able to hang out with her like any other friend. And when you do, watch how he acts with you. Does he put his arm around you, all relaxed and confident, kiss you in front of her, and seem at ease? Or does he get weird, suddenly not wanting to be overly affectionate, making strange jokes and speaking more to her than he does to you?

In the end, it’s a fine line between jealousy and justified suspicion. Listen to your gut instinct. And even if there’s nothing there between him and her? Communicate. Let him know how you feel, tell him you feel that he’s being distant or detached, and that you need him to prioritize you guys for awhile to bolster your confidence. Remember—communication is key. Be fair with his right to have friends, but also be honest with your needs!

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Listed: February 5, 2010 4:03 pm