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Revealing Our Past


You can’t help but read in many magazines on the topic of discussing your sexual past with your current partner. Most, if not all of them, tell the reader that there is no need or reason to reveal your intimate history to your partner. For the most part I disagree with them. There are positives to revealing the extent of your prowess to your spouse.

Notice I said spouse and not partner in the last sentence. Dating, unless deemed a common law marriage, follows a different set of disclosure rules and guidelines. I do agree with the magazines and advice columnists that your date does not need to know your sexual past and it really serves little purpose. The purpose comes later when knowing your partner inside and out helps you to become one…in marriage.

Communication is on top of the list for reasons of failed marriages. Keeping secrets and hiding your past is a recipe for lack of communication no matter what excuse you want to staple to it. What harm does revealing your past really pose to a marriage unless you lied about it in prior instances? We’ve discovered that you can really smile with each other while talking about the past and we’ve even seen the added benefit of realizing things that each other really enjoys that we did not otherwise know. Increasing your spouse’s enjoyment in bed plays a big role in a good marriage and discussing past practices can help discern what they really like and don’t like. More importantly, discussing our pasts increases communication and builds trust in that we are willing to tell each other everything and anything. To truly become one than this is an important factor.

I will throw a caveat into this and that is the time factor. I’m not saying that following your wedding night you go out on your honeymoon and discuss your past sex habits. I dated my spouse for about five years prior to marriage and we didn’t really get into the gusto of past sexual acts until we were married for a few years. What we have done is to make it sort of a game. While in bed, or sometimes when we get a sitter and go out for a few drinks, the subject of intimacy comes up. We start by asking “well have you ever…” kind of questions and one thing leads to another and we each share a story. If it is not a story about what we have done than it is one of a fantasy that we have had or currently have. That is another key, sharing. Don’t let the cats out of the bag all in one night but over a long period of time. This shouldn’t be an interrogation but a give and take. Before you get upset or jealous about what your spouse shares with you think of your own past and indiscretions and drop the ego that you’re their first experience in everything. Share one or two things, get hot for each other and save another story for another time, maybe even weeks or months later.

By the time we get married we all have a sexual past, whether it is vast sexual experiences or various fantasies about past people in our lives. Sharing will increase communication, trust and may even create additional fantasies and desires that you can share together. I’m sure this article will be cause for disagreement. As I’ve said before, this is just the opinion of my spouse and I and what has worked for us.

daniel is a writer for marriage expert. he has four children and is married to the same beautiful woman he met in 1995. please visit us at marriage expert and share your experiences with us. visit marriage expert!

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Listed: March 30, 2009 12:08 am