Are you thinking of getting a divorce because:

* Your spouse is physically abusive with you or with your children?
* Your spouse is an alcoholic or drug addict and has no intention of dealing with the addiction?
* Your spouse has a gambling addiction and is causing financial hardship?
* You want to have a baby and you thought your spouse wanted a child too, but now says he or she doesn’t?

These situations may not change or be resolvable. They may be deal-breakers. If you are in these situations, then you need to get some help in deciding what you can accept and what you cannot accept. If you cannot accept these situations, then you need to leave, particularly if there is violence.

Are you thinking of getting a divorce because:

* Your spouse often gets angry, blaming and judgmental with you?
* Your spouse is often withdrawn, resistant and uncommunicative?
* Your spouse won’t discuss things and try to resolve conflict with you?
* There is no passion in the relationship?
* Your spouse is addicted to work, TV, sports, spending, exercise, food, nicotine?
* You feel bored with your spouse?
* You feel you no longer have anything in common?
* Everything is an argument?
* You feel lonely in the relationship?
* You are not getting your needs met?
* Your partner is not turned on to you and rarely wants to have sex, or vise versa?
* You are convinced that your partner no longer cares about you?
* Your partner is having an affair, or you think your partner is having an affair?

These are situations that often can be resolved, because these are generally situations that are the result of a dysfunctional relationship system – the control/resist relationship system.

If you are experiencing any of these situations, the first thing you need to do is get your eyes off your spouse and on to what you are doing. You will stay stuck if you have convinced yourself that the problems are primarily your partner’s fault.

Now, are you ready to be honest with yourself and your participation in the problems in the relationship?

Ask yourself:

* Are you being reactive to your spouse by getting angry, blaming, judging or threatening?
* Are you being reactive to your spouse by resisting or withdrawing in response to your partner’s behavior?
* Are you giving yourself, going along with things rather than speaking up and telling your truth about what you want and don’t want?

If you are doing any of these things, you are trying to control your spouse rather than take responsibility for your feelings. As long as you are trying to control your spouse with these reactions rather than learn to take full 100% responsibility for your own feelings, you will be creating the very problems that are causing you to want to leave your marriage.

Getting a divorce without healing your end of the codependent relationship system is a waste of time. You learn nothing by leaving, and you will continue the same dysfunctional reactive behavior in your next relationship. Even if it is okay to end up alone, you will not have learned how to take responsibility for your own feelings. Without learning this, you will likely be no happier alone than you were in the marriage.

What does it mean to take responsibility for your feelings? It means that when you are feeling badly, you go inside and explore what YOU are telling yourself or doing that is causing you to feel badly. It means that you stop being a victim of your spouse and learn to treat yourself with love and kindness.

If you learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and make yourself joyful and peaceful, there is a good possibility that your marriage will heal.

margaret paul, ph.d. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “do i have to give up me to be loved by you?” and “healing your aloneness.” she is the co-creator of the powerful inner bonding® healing process. learn inner bonding now! visit her web site for a free inner bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at [email protected]. phone sessions available.

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