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How to Get Back Together: The First Step


They’re gone! You still can’t believe it, but they’re gone. You know this isn’t right and you’re determined to get back together. But how? How can you fix what’s wrong and get back together?

The first thing you need to do is nothing. That’s right. Don’t beg. Don’t show up at their house unexpectedly. And for heaven’s sake, don’t get drunk and call or text them in the middle of the night to profess you undying love.

You need to stop and think, both for your own sake and for theirs. If things were bad enough that they split, they need some space. If you don’t give them some room, you’ll just make things worse. If you’ve ever broken up with someone who wouldn’t take no for an answer, you know what I mean. Every cute little note, every “chance” encounter in the mall, every teary phone call just made you more upset and pushed you further away, didn’t it? You don’t want to make the same mistakes that person made.

Besides, you need time to figure out what really went wrong in the first place. If you don’t, you have no realistic chance to get back together. There’s no magic formula that will make things all better. It’s going to take thought and hard work. What happened that caused them to leave? Did you do something to drive them away? Was that the real reason they left, or only the final straw added to a pile of other problems?

Maybe it is something in their mind. Maybe you had another big fight about how late you work and they stormed out. This could be totally innocent and necessary for you to do, but in their head it takes on a different meaning. Are they really mad that you were at work, advancing your career and financial security, or are they feeling neglected? Are they upset that you missed dinner again, or that you’re spending so much time with a sexy co-worker? Maybe they think that you’re working late because you don’t care about them anymore. You’ll need to address these concerns if you want to get back together.

Or maybe you are unconsciously causing the problem. Are you controlling them or managing their life for them? Do you push them to be a better person or pressure them to be the kind of person you think they should be. This can cause them to resent you without even knowing why. You’ll have to stop doing this if you are to get back together and stay together for long.

Maybe external factors have leaked into your relationship, causing problems that don’t directly have anything to do with either of you. Financial problems, job loss, illness, caring for sick parents are all outside things that can harm your relationship. Dealing with the strains these cause will be necessary for you to get back together.

I don’t know the real reason they left, but you need to figure out what’s really going on. That’s the first step in learning how to get back together. Take some time and make the effort to really figure this out. Once you do, it will be time to come up with a plan for how to get back together.

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Listed: August 2, 2008 1:53 pm