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Ending A Relationship When You Have Children


The end of a relationship is always difficult, even if you know that it is the best thing you can do, but it can be even more difficult when you have kids involved. There are a lot of things that you have to think about not only in terms of yourself or your spouse but also the kids and how you will keep things as positive and healthy for the kids. You need to create a plan for the breakup so that the transition from a family to parents that are separated is as easy as possible on the children.

The first thing you need to do is get together with your spouse and talk about the arrangement for the kids. It is important that you put all of your anger and your hurt aside and really sit together and determine how you are going to share time with the kids. Think about your schedules, your kids schedules, and the needs of your children and then weigh in on what you both want.

Remember, you are the adults and you need to put your issues aside to be sure that your child has the best possible childhood. The idea is to make sure that day to day life remains the same for your child, the only difference being that both of their parents don’t live in the same home.

If your children are old enough to understand, you both need to sit and talk with them about the changes that are coming up. Let them know that while things are changing in your relationship that your love for the child is not changing.

Let them know that they will split their time with their parents and the reason that this is happening is because you both love them very much and you both want as much time as possible with them. Have this be a very open and honest conversation free of blame, guilt, or anger. Make sure that you both put aside all of your issues and really make this about the child.

Be sure when you are enacting the plan you have created for your child that you remain calm and that you both avoid fighting, name calling, or even talking about divorce or break up matters in the presence of your child. The worst thing we can do to our children is force them to deal with adult issues in any way. Allow for the exchange times to be all about them and find private time away from the kids to talk about adult matters.

It’s important to make sure that you keep the hostility and tension between the adults from the kids. Kids have a way of making everything their fault and the last thing that you want is your child believing that they are the cause of the breakdown in the relationship. If you allow them to see anger or feel tension between the two of you when you are together they will assume it is there fault. Keep things light and easy by focusing on the child.

Breaking up is very hard to do, but it only gets more complicated when you have children. Remember to put the needs of your children first and to never use them as a pawn. This can be difficult when you are in the midst of the breakup, but remember that your children are little people that are left with an indelible mark from everything that we do during their childhood. Make sure those marks that you leave are positive ones by shielding them from the ugliness that often accompanies a breakup.

rodrigo rehn is a relationships expert, linux systems administrator, web programmer, php developer and ceo of faceromance online dating for singles.

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Listed: October 3, 2008 12:08 am