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Did He Sleep With You Then Stay Away?

Why do men suddenly withdraw from a casual, intimate relationship with you the moment you start talking about getting into something deeper and longer-term? It’s even more baffling when you know you’ve slept together a few times.

It doesn’t seem to make any sense that a great guy, who seemed to always have such a great time with you, would shrink from the idea of spending an entire lifetime with you. What’s worse, he seems to drift further and further away the more you try to talk to him about it. Ultimately, all lines of communication between you get cut off, and you’re left alone wondering just what it was that went wrong in the relationship.

It’s easy to think that men are simply afraid of commitment, no matter who they are or where they come from. However, it’s not that simple – believe it or not, you were just as much a part of the breakup as he was. For instance, sleeping with him so early in the relationship was not the best thing to do.

Think of a relationship with a man as having two stages – a deep, emotional stage, and a more casual, intimate one. Now these stages don’t necessarily come in that order – chances are that you found it much easier to settle into a casual, intimate setup with him before talking to him about something deeper and more emotional.

The problem with that sequence is that it bases the relationship on a physical level. First impressions last, and if the attraction is purely physical, then it inevitably won’t last long. And nothing will cause his “withdrawal mechanism” to kick in quicker than discussing a deeper relationship with him.

See where the message of this article is going?

On the other hand, if you kick things off with a man with a deep relationship before you sleep with him, then you’ll be basing the relationship on an emotional level. This is what the stuff healthy, long-term relationships are made of.

Here are some tips to help make sure the relationship doesn’t end in such a lousy way:

First, be in touch with yourself and what you want. Some women make the mistake of giving their man what they think he wants straight off in a relationship. They quickly guide the relationship to the bedroom, thinking that the man would love them better afterwards. Unfortunately, this only gives the man the idea that he’s in charge of the relationship. He’ll naturally freak out when you “try to take charge” and talk about settling down.

Being in touch with yourself also involves setting your standards and sticking to them. Know what you expect in a relationship and make sure he knows about them early in the relationship. Do not communicate your standards after you’ve slept with him – it’ll do the exact opposite of keeping him interested in you.

Most important of all, reject any behavior on his part that doesn’t stand up to your standards. Doing so may lead you to the pain of rejection, but remember that this is a healthy kind of rejection – it’ll weed out the bad boys from the good guys. When you do find a good man who agree with your standards, you know your sacrifices have finally paid off.

aaron adams specializes in relationship matters for women. visit http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com to find out how to avoid being just a fling to a man.

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Listed: May 7, 2008 12:11 pm