Are you tired of starting new relationships, getting emotionally attached, getting hurt, and breaking up? Would you like to find a better way without resigning yourself to staying single?

Despite our best intentions and efforts, things sometimes just don’t work out. People can fail once or twice due to any number of unforeseen factors. But, when we repeatedly have the same kind of failure, we cannot afford to attribute it to chance. Repeated relationship failures, like any other kind of repeated failures are directly connected to the way that we do things.

Obviously, in order to have different results, we must take different actions. But what do we change? How do we change? Just thinking that we should behave differently is not enough to bring about change. To change, we must actually do things differently.

1. Change your vision from looking backward to looking forward. Stop idealizing some past relationship. If it really was ideal, you would still have it. You can do better. If you don’t believe you can do better than you have, you will settle for worse than you have had. Where will that get you?

2. Balance your life. Would you buy a car before you have the financial resources to make the payments? Many people do. What happens? At first they are excited with their new car, but then they are stressed by the bills and come to regret buying the car in the first place. People who enter relationships because they are emotionally needy are not in good shape to maintain one. When your life is already going great, you will be positive, exciting, and attractive to wonderful potential partners. When you are desperate and needy, you will not be. You will get into relationships that are bad for you and the best partners will not be attracted to you.

3. Define your dream partner. What is he or she like? This must be done before you get involved with someone. Once involved, we change our desires to match the person we are involved with. Do you want someone who talks with you, is gentle, and likes quiet activities? Do you want someone who loves adventure, trusts you, and is financially sound? Where does he or she live? What kind of work does he or she do? What’s his or her income level? How does he or she dress? What does he or she value the most? You must dare to believe in order to dare to achieve.

4. Become a dream partner. That dream partner you want to have also has a dream partner of his or her own. Take time to figure out what their dream partner is liable to be like. If you cannot be a good match for your partner, it’s just as bad as if you find the wrong person for yourself. An adventurous person would probably like an adventurous partner, for example. Are you really adventurous or do you just think it would be nice to be that way? If you want to find someone who enjoys talking to you, are you a good listener? Do you need to work on that first? Planning to change after you are in a relationship will not be any better than finding a partner and then trying to change him or her.

Of course, you don’t need to do these things to find someone. Poor relationships come cheaply. Great relationships, like anything of value, come at a cost. If you are willing to do the work, you can have a partner and relationship that is the envy of your friends. Your best chance of accomplishing these changes is with someone who has helped others to do the same. Ten books on teeth care will not help you like one dentist can. Neither will 10 books on relationships help you like one relationship coach can. Believe, dream, achieve, and use the resources at your disposal to get what you want in life. That is what successful people do.

jack ito phd is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach. for 14 years he has helped more than 1000 men and women to have better relationships.
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