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Are You Wasting Your Time Loving “Suckas?”

I was born and raised in San Francisco, which is known as The City, San Fran, and even the hated ‘Frisco. A few years ago, it became known as the Sucka Free city. I love it!

However, there are still people around that are so out of the loop, they don’t know what the term “sucka” means. A couple of them called my radio show some weeks back, attempting to correct my grammatical error by informing me that “sucka” was not a real word per the Oxford dictionary and that the correct term is “sucker.”

These dudes were so corny it was unbelievable. I just rolled my eyes.

Anyway, a “sucka” can be anyone, male or female, young or old – any race, color, creed or nationality. A “sucka” in our case is defined as an insincere, emotionally unavailable, game playing, opportunistic user. Players and gold-diggers are included in this hit parade. Suckas will come into your world and proceed to use you for everything you have or ever thought you might get in the future. No matter what they say to the contrary, suckas are there to GET, not to give.

Here are a few specific situations you may come across that clearly indicate you are involved with a sucka:

He or She Repeatedly Criticizes and Negates You.

Partners that were all smiles and fun begin to tear you apart with belittling comments, criticism and suggestions for improvement. Your nose is funny looking, your hair cut unflattering, your manners embarrassing, your car too raggedy, you love too much, you don’t love enough, you can’t cook as well as his ex, blah blah blah. When “teased” in a way that makes you feel criticized and put down in a group setting, you’re informed that it was all in fun, just a joke. You are accused of being too sensitive if you get angry and upset.

The goal here is to gain mental and emotional power over you. With one sentence your mate can send you to the depths of despair and shame. S/he will then feel secure and positively defined as the controller of the relationship.

He or She is Lazy.

You find yourself doing a lot for your partner, things he or she never does in return. You plan all the dates, pay for all the dates, make most or all of the phone calls, give all the gifts, do all the driving, pick up things s/he forgot at the store, peruse job websites to “help” find a better job, type his or her resume and send it out. You initiate all romantic PDAs and any sex you two have. You want to make your mate happy. You want to prove to him or her how you will always be there. But caring for a lazy person is not proving that you love them, it’s only really solid proof that you don’t love yourself.

He or She is Possessive, Controlling or Abusive.

These types keep their Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality under wraps for at least a few weeks… long enough to get you into their web with their fake niceness. Then they turn into the monster that they really are.

Yelling, screaming, name calling, accusing you of not loving him/her or being there because you didn’t do (fill in the blank). You are snooped on, questioned, threatened, and made to feel insecure and confused about both yourself and the relationship. Often there are two sets of rules with regards to money, friends, fun and freedom – one for you and one for them! Power is transferred and control gained in small ways, a bit at a time. Something as simple as a man asking me in an irritated tone of voice: “who was that on the phone?” sets off alarms.

He or She is Manipulates To Gain Control of Your Self-Esteem.

This is often done with “helpful suggestions” on how you should modify your appearance in some way to “look better.”

I remember dating a guy once (yeah, one time). After our lunch date we went into a bookstore, just to look around. We ended up in the magazine section. He went to the women’s magazine section. A few minutes later he came ALLLL the way over to the photography magazine section where I was to show me a photo of a woman with a very short haircut. He proceeded to inform me that I needed to cut my hair into that style because he liked short hair and that would look better on me.

At the time my hair was past my shoulders and I had no interest in cutting it off. Instead I cut HIM off. If I had acquiesced to his demand, I would have given him amazing power over me and let him know that I was not at all confident in the way I looked or felt about myself.

He or She is Living With, Married to or Involved With Someone Else.

This may seem like a “duh!” but I am always amazed at how many people think they can MAKE someone pick them by loving them enough, being pleasing, doing favors, being available, begging, pleading.

Though you may have a serious crush or even imagine yourself madly in love, you are wasting your time and energy on someone who is emotionally unavailable. You love someone that loves someone else. Sadly, the most you would ever be is entertainment when they are bored, and a distraction from their primary relationship problems. At worst you would be someone that refuses to accept reality as you set yourself up to be walked on, disrespected and used.

He or She Avoids Sexual Interaction.

Most adult romantic relationships in our modern society do involve some sort of sexual interaction. When a couple care about each other, sex between them is a vehicle to express affection, love, desire and closeness.

A relationship that was previously loving and sexual but suddenly, without warning and with no logical reason changes is a major red flag. But usually suckas avoid having sex with their partners because they don’t WANT to get close or express affection, caring or desire! He or she may be having sex with someone, but it isn’t you. Their goal: to string you along and get all they can. You give and give in a vacuum as you hope and pray that you will eventually get the love you want.

These are just a few of the dozens of examples of suckas and how they wreck havoc on unsuspecting singles. You must learn how to recognize them early on in the dating process and have the courage to quickly send them on their way. Your goal: sucka free love!

Loving “sucka free” means that you wisely SELECT your partners, not let them select you. You won’t ever again drift into a relationship like a tumbleweed in the wind! Instead, you will use your power and CHOOSE your mates using compatibility, lifestyles and mutual love and respect as your guide.

Loving “sucka free” means that you refuse to settle for whatever comes along out of desperation or just to avoid being by yourself. Loving “sucka free” means you love smart and in your own best interest!

(c) 2008 deborrah cooper. deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on ask heartbeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. her dating guide sucka free love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. check out the sucka free dating radio talk show on wednesday night at 8:00 pm pst.

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Listed: May 7, 2008 12:12 pm