Welcome, visitor! [ Register | Loginrss

Always Having The Same Argument? Solve The Argument Once And …


Fights have different faces but they often involve the same issue, and many times they come up over and over again. Most couples recycle the same basic argument without ever resolving the issue. It’s frustrating and exhausting, but there is a relatively simply way to get to the root of the problem and stop the endless argument once and for all.

The first step in deciphering the code of a repetitive argument is to go back to its root. For most couples, recalling their very first argument can be key to unraveling and understanding what’s at the core of the dispute.

The First Argument Technique uses a peel, reveal, and heal method of problem solving to reveal the story-below-the story and get to the root dynamics of a relationship.

The First Argument Technique

1) Peel – Locate the Hook and Decipher Your First Argument

A hook is a behavior of another person that provokes an intense and disproportionate reaction in us that connects to a deep childhood wound from the past. Even though the root goes back many years, we remain susceptible to experiences that stir up this core vulnerability.

Hooks often come as words. “What’s the big deal?” “Suit yourself.” Sometimes the hook is a gesture or a look. Sometimes it’s a more intangible dynamic, a certain mood or a particular kind of ripple in the emotional atmosphere. For some people, it’s what didn’t happen or disappointment that’s the hook.

Next, go back to the scene of your very first argument as a couple. Ask yourself, “What’s the recurrent pattern here?”— the place where you got hooked then and where you’re still getting hooked. It might help to think of the hook as the first “snag” between the two of you.

Think about the similarity of now and then in the words that were spoken, gestures that were made, intense feelings or actions that caused and still cause you to react. Think about what makes this behavior so upsetting.

2) Reveal – Uncover Your Core Issue or the Story-Below-the-Story

Write down a few things that stick in your mind about your childhood where you had a similar reaction or feeling to the one you’re having in the present and in your first argument. Ask yourself, what’s really going on? Does any particular person come to mind that caused you the same feelings? Remember that you’re looking for either a painful incident and/or a repeated pattern from childhood. This is your “story-below-the-story.”

After writing about your childhood and answering these questions, you’ll have a clearer understanding of yourself and your issues. You can then see that your first argument was the beginning of a cycle of continuous arguments.

3) Heal – Create New Patterns

I believe that the story-below-the-story is the key to intimacy. It’s the root cause of intimate conflict and, for most couples it is profoundly linked to what drew them together in the first place.

The point of dropping to the story-below-the-story is to free ourselves from the powerful and unconscious identification with the past so we can focus on the current reality with our partner.

Allow other memories to gather around your story-below-the-story and take some time to absorb its implications before immediately spilling it out to your partner. After several days, when you’ve allowed the story to settle inside you and feel truly ready to share it, do so without blame.

For the majority of couple’s with whom I’ve worked, the very revelation of the story-below-the-story significantly defuses the charge around the current issue.

Now, with your story-below-the story revealed (the real reason you’re fighting), it’s time to take the next big step and create some new patterns of interaction. It’s now that you can begin to heal the relationship with my Toolbox of exercises and tools.

licensed therapist sharon m. rivkin, ma, mft developed the groundbreaking first argument method of therapy. her soon-to-be-released “breaking the argument cycle: how to stop fighting without therapy” reveals how your first fight that can save your relationship. visit http://www.sharonrivkin.com

Related posts:

  1. Can Your Relationship Survive an Affair? Should You Stay or … Few things put as much strain on a marriage as an affair. When we see affairs exposed in very public ways, played out in the news involving politicians, celebrities and athletes, we all cringe and say “that will never happen to me.” In reality, it happens to a lot of couples, rich or poor, beautiful […]…
  2. Finding The Right Relationship Book A relationship book is often the first thing people reach for when they find their marriage has hit rocky ground. Even if both parties feel intimidated by what is transpiring between them, most want to do whatever they can to solve the problem. Luckily, there is much willing partners can do to stop a relationship […]…
  3. How a Couples’ Therapist Can Improve Your Relationship When it feels as though you are doing everything in your power to keep your relationship strong and solid but it still feels as if something is not quite working, you just might find that it’s a great idea to start looking into a couples’ therapist. On many different levels, a couples’ therapist can help […]…
  4. 6 Tips You Can Use Now To Get Your Ex Back First things first, if you are recently broken up (meaning within the past few hours) let the situation breathe for a day or two. Intimate emotions are some of the most intense emotions known to man, and sometimes everyone just needs to calm down for a moment, so rational thinking can come back into play. […]…
  5. Revealing Our Past You can’t help but read in many magazines on the topic of discussing your sexual past with your current partner. Most, if not all of them, tell the reader that there is no need or reason to reveal your intimate history to your partner. For the most part I disagree with them. There are positives […]…
  6. How to Avoid Bad Relationship Encounters No one really wants to have a bad relationship. But as much as we wanted to avoid this, we always end up spending our love life miserable and unhappy. Because of this, we always ask ourselves if we really deserve to be in this state. As much as we wanted to bring the best out […]…
  7. The Vast Choices of Books on Relationships These days, the number of books on relationships sitting on store shelves is almost unbelievable. Trying to figure out which one to choose can be a rather daunting task for a couple that is looking to keep their relationship from completely falling apart. It is said the average couple will invest in at least two […]…
  8. Can You Define the Root Cause of Your Marriage Problems? OK, so you know you have marriage problems, or believe that you do but can you actually define what the root cause of your marriage problems actually is? You might believe that your marital issues are so great that you can’t reconcile your differences but if you can’t actually identify the true problem how do […]…
  9. Free Tips to Easily Save a Marriage Sadly, marriages can’t always be perfect. But when your arguments start becoming too frequent, you may need advice on how to save a marriage from going down the drain. One of the most important tools used to save marriage is communication. Without it, a person can end up misunderstanding his or her spouse’s words or […]…
  10. Loving Yourself First Is your heart scarred from all the heartaches from your failed past relationships? No matter how many relationships come and go, it seems that you’re becoming less and less inclined to take the men who come into your life seriously. It doesn’t even matter if they are very attractive and close to perfection – you […]…

240 total views, 1 so far today

  


Listed: July 22, 2009 12:02 pm